


the moon is right/the spirits up/we're here tonight/oh god who put that baby there

by peaktotheocean



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, F/F, Fluff, Lack of Communication, Large Men Holding Tiny Babies, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-25 05:34:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21910816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peaktotheocean/pseuds/peaktotheocean
Summary: A Barclay/Agent Stern Christmas story written for the prompt: “We found a child in the outdoor nativity scene, what do we do now?”
Relationships: Barclay/Agent Stern (The Adventure Zone), Dani/Aubrey Little
Comments: 7
Kudos: 94





	the moon is right/the spirits up/we're here tonight/oh god who put that baby there

They weren't...well, they weren't dating. But Barclay and Joseph (née Agent Stern) weren't nothing either. He didn't think they weren't, at any rate. 

A few kisses after saving their worlds, one memorable hand job in the Amnesty Lodge laundry room nearly a month ago, and falling asleep in the same bed most nights. 

That didn't mean they were dating though. 

At least, he and Barclay hadn't talked about it yet. 

It had just been busy, with the holidays and all. Joseph was slowly and quietly shutting down his active investigations, running them by Mama and Indrid first to make sure there was nothing to worry about. Barclay trying his best to merge the traditions of everyone's chosen holidays and food dishes in time for their chosen celebration day. That is...if Arlo managed to get a big enough wormhole open on the only day they all had free to share a meal. 

They'd get to it.

Agent Joseph Stern wasn't worried. Well, not anymore worried than he usually was. If his default worrying baseline hovered around a three point five then he could confidently say he hadn’t gone above a five. Yet.

For now, he'd take these slow, quiet walks with Barclay through the town after the chef had gathered a few specialty supplies that had come in for Hollis' chosen holiday vegan dish. Whatever Kepler had gone through hadn't meant the town and the main drag wasn't decorated to the gills with bright lights.

There were some newer models of strands that Joseph knew someone must have either ordered online or driven out to the Costco to get but most of the decorations looked like they had last been new in the 1980s.

Large fake candles dotted the curbs so brightly from where their paint had worn off and the single large bulb inside could shine right through the opaque plastic. Not all the electrified snowflakes hanging off the streetlights had a six beautiful points but they still worked and that was enough for the citizens of Kepler. God forbid each snowflake didn’t go back up onto the specific street & intersection that was scrawled on a piece of masking tape and attached to each decoration.

From the stores to the street lights, Joseph would be worried about a fire hazard if he didn't know the sheriff was already on top of it. Apparently with the upgraded Menorah for last week, they had already switched out to a stronger electrical circuit. 

Not that Joseph knew anything about it but he had listened to Barclay talk the process since he had been called in to help do some heavy lifting. Barclay hadn't minded but he liked pretending to mind as he told Joseph all about it, hands waving around. 

It wasn't the Menorah that Barclay was looking at now though. He had stopped mid-conversation with Joseph to stare at the nativity scene right next to it. 

"Hmm..." Barclay took slow steps towards the display. He stopped and tilted his head as though he was listening for something.

"I don't think it's hiding any secrets," Joseph joked. "Unless you think this snow is...?" He squinted, trying to focus on the large flakes. Barclay began to do the same but instead just opened his mouth as Joseph watched, catching one right away.

"Nope, Agent. That's just regular snow."

"Joseph," he corrected him gently, for the dozenth time so far this week. Barclay gave him a little smile and shook his head.

"I'll get there," Barclay called behind him as he started a brisk walk towards the nativity scene. 

He leaned down over the manger, which had been empty for the entire month with the mayor refusing to tell anyone where the plastic baby Jesus was until Christmas Eve. As Joseph caught up to Barclay, he realized that the manger wasn't empty at all. 

There was a real live baby swaddled in a bright green blanket dotted with cartoon elephants, sleeping cradled in the plastic manger which was warm from the halogen light underneath of it. Or, they would have been if Barclay hadn't gently picked them up out of the manger and held them close to his chest. 

"Can I borrow your scarf?" he asked urgently, expression pleading with Joseph. "There's no way this blanket is warm enough for them."

Joseph acquiesced quickly, unwrapping the thick flannel from around his neck and handing it over to Barclay who made careful work of swaddling the baby even further. 

It was quiet on the street. They hadn't seen anyone for at least four blocks. Joseph watched as the baby, which nearly fit in one of Barclay's hands, was held against his large chest as the snow fell around them. And like he had only realized what had just happened, Barclay looked back at Joseph again, expression shocked. 

"Agent" he said, mouth agape, before going back to watch the baby and then look back both ways down the main street. 

"We haven’t seen anyone since the mayor’s Thursday night class let out." Joseph shook his head, already knowing what Barclay's mind was running through. "And no one for the last four blocks once we started heading back to the truck."

Barclay made a noise that wasn't unlike a whimper and the baby squirmed ever so slightly. "I think their head is still cold," he murmured. He reached up with his free hand and took the toque off his head, revealing a mess of brown hair. The wool cap was an ugly, multi-colored thing, made by Dani, Joseph had been told, nearly four years prior when she was first learning how to knit. It was a little misshapen and had too small of a pompom on top but Barclay wore it with pride. 

Joseph would curl up inside that hat if given the chance. It was, of course, too big on the baby but it covered the little one's ears and top of their head just fine and it wasn't going anywhere tucked against Barclay. 

Instead of getting himself lost in the sight of Barclay and a baby, Joseph took charge. "Come on, Barclay. Give me your keys and I'll drive us to the station."

"The Lodge," Barclay shook his head. "Not the police station. We'll call Owens when we get back."

"I-- okay." So maybe Joseph still felt some guilt about how many police officers and federal agents he had brought into Barclay's life. And the lives of everyone at the Lodge. If Barclay didn't want to go to the police station, Joseph certainly wasn't going to drive him there. 

It was a quiet, slow drive with Joseph going way below the speed limit as Barclay tried to keep the sleeping baby steady and secure on a road that wasn't built with either of those things in mind. He parked it in the truck's usual spot outside the Lodge and walked around to open the door for Barclay who...didn't move.

"They're okay?" He asked quietly.

Barclay nodded. "Still sleeping."

"Come on then and bring them inside where it's warm." Joseph didn't mean for it to come out like an order but Barclay didn't seem to mind and obeyed easily enough. He took a deep breath and scooted out the car, letting Joseph close the door behind him. 

"Boys?" Moira asked, concerned when they walked in, one of them striding more carefully than usual. 

"Moira, has Indrid called yet? Or Leo?" Barclay asked, without explanation or taking his eyes off the baby. 

"Are you expecting them to?" She looked over at Joseph with raised eyebrows and he just gestured to Barclay's arms.

"No, but they're probably expecting to," Barclay told her. "Can you get Owens on the phone? Tell him we've got an abandoned baby over at the Lodge and he can come take a statement in the morning."

"In the morning?" Joseph asked him. "What about now?"

"Now or in the morning, it won't make a difference. They'll still be here for a little while," Barclay said with confidence. Moira floated off towards the lobby phone. 

“What do you know about taking care of babies?” Joseph asked, almost dreading the answer as Barclay lifted the baby up a little more to secure against him.

“Have you not seen Jake? I like to think I did a good job," Barclay said with pride.

“I— wait, what?”

Barclay made a shushing noise but Joseph wasn’t sure if it was aimed at him or the baby. Knowing Barclay, it was probably both.

“Oh shoot, can you call Leo when Moira is done? Or just ask her to? I can never remember the name of the kid who’s running the general store now but if he can put together a few things for me, I can send Jake to run over once he gets home and—“

“I’ll get them," Joseph interrupted.

“You’ll get them?”

“Sure,” Joseph said emphatically, anything to get away from the image of the largest man he knew gently cradling what had to be the world’s smallest baby. Not that Joseph had much experience with babies but the view was still a lot.

“Hmm all right,” Barclay agreed. Joseph couldn't tell if he was disappointed because he was too distracted to argue as the baby began to stir. “Take some of the cash out of Mama’s bottom desk drawer though. Formula is expensive.”

“Formula?”

“Formula, diapers, wipes, a few long-sleeve onesies, a pack of pacifiers, and whatever toys they have that rattle. Maybe one of those combination rattler and teething rings. They’ll love them.”

“You need all that for one night?”

“This is Amnesty Lodge. We take care of people who have no where else to go,” Barclay smiled down at the baby in his arms. He looked up at Joseph who couldn’t bring himself to break eye contact. “That and I’m approved as an emergency foster parent. Mama and I re-up our status every few years just in case. How do you think we got the okay for Jake to stay here once we found him?”

“How old was Jake when he came through the gate?” Joseph couldn’t stop himself from asking though he regretted it the second he saw Barclay’s eyes turn dark.

“He was barely done being a pup,” he growled. The answer did nothing for Joseph’s question. The vibrations caused the baby in his arms to fuss a little more and he cursed, shifting them. “You’ll go to the store?”

“I’m going, I’m going.”

Barclay held up the baby and mocked sniffing. "Definitely diapers and wipes." he grinned at Joseph.

\-------------------------

“What’s wrong with you?” Leo asked the next morning, waltzing into the kitchen seemingly the second he smelled Barclay's specialty vegan bacon.   
  
Joseph just gestured to where Barclay had the baby resting in a little carrier on the kitchen counter while he softly sang to her as he made breakfast for the Lodge residents.

“Oh buddy, that’s rough. I've been there," Leo laughed, wildly unhelpful. "Hey Mama," he shouted behind him. The Lodge owner followed quickly and boomed a laugh so hard that Barclay shushed her from across the room and pointed to the baby.

Joseph had grown to like Mama the past few weeks, a change he was firmly considering reversing his position on when she asked, not even trying to be quiet, “Wow, babies? That’s what does it for you?”

“Please shut up," Joseph squeaked, letting his head fall on the stainless steel counter. Barclay gave him a concerned look at passed him a cup of strong black coffee. 

"Moira says I got a new sister?" Jake peeked his head through the kitchen door, beaming at Barclay. "I can't believe I'm just finding out now."

"She's a girl?" Joseph asked, picking up his head to look at Barclay. He hadn't gotten that new update and Barclay shrugged, smile on his face. He seemed too excited and alert for a man that had insisted on sleeping in a separate room from Joseph in order to be woken up by a baby every three hours. Joseph had offered to help, not just because he still wanted their time together but because...he wanted to. But Barclay had waved him off with a lap, saying Joseph didn't get enough sleep already.

Joseph frowned, remembering the conversation. Barclay had been doing everything by himself. They hadn't slept in the same bed for nearly a week. He was missing something and he wasn't going to let it stand. Not after all they had been through. 

He watched as one by one, members of the Lodge took their food from the counter and headed into the dining room. 

"You grab my plate and I'll grab the kid?" Barclay asked, his smile not quite all the way there. Joseph knew he had been missing something. 

"I can carry her if you'd like," Joseph tried. "I want to."

Barclay shook his head. "Don't worry about it. I got her."

"You know I can help," Joseph told him seriously, blocking his path between the stove and the large kitchen island. 

“Well sure for now," Barclay said almost so gently that Joseph wasn't sure who he was trying to let down easy.

“What do you mean for now?” Joseph felt his anxiety scale rising from where it normally say in his stomach to come & sit firmly at the base of his throat.

Barclay gave him a pained look and seemed uncomfortable, like he wanted to make himself very small all the sudden. Joseph hated that expression on Barclay's face. He never wanted to see it again, let alone be the cause of it. “When you get reassigned? I don't want to make it more difficult for you or...us” 

“Reassigned?"

"I..." Barclay looked embarrassed now. "I heard you talking to Mama about some of your cases, the ones down South. I just..."

"You assumed that closing my cases meant I'd have to leave to do it."

Barclay nodded, refusing to meet Joseph's eyes. "You also didn't stay last night. You left? I was going to send Jake for supplies and--"

"She needed diapers!" Joseph tilted his head, assessing Barclay. "Also, if I'm being honest. Seeing you with a baby was a bit much." He watched as Barclay's cheeks grew red. 

"Really? That's what does it for you?" He asked, gleefully sounding exactly like Mama. Both of them needed a bigger friends circle, Joseph told himself. 

"I mean, I might have to leave," he admitted. Barclay's face snapped up again, the blush receding. "But I'll come back," Joseph told him firmly. "It would only be temporary. Amnesty Lodge is my home now."

He moved close to Barclay, intertwined their fingers and squeezing. He still looked nervous.

“Barclay, I’m staying," he promised. "I’m still an agent, sure. But I’m not going anywhere anymore. I put in to keep the permanent liaison to Kepler for as long as the gate stands.”

“But the gate is offline now?” Barclay asked slowly, voice lilting up at the end.

“The Feds don’t know that.” He could still see the look of confusion on Barclay’s face. “The government doesn’t know the gate doesn’t work anymore and I’m not going to be the one to tell them.”

He had the pleasure of watching as Barclay realized what his words meant. "You're staying."

"I'm staying. I promise. And if it's all right with you, I can help out and you can laugh at me the whole time. I'm comfortable enough to admit that an attractive man holding a baby 'does it for me,'" he sighed, using his free hand to utilize air quotes. "Now tell me more about Jake's new sister," he coaxed him. Barclay smiled and finally squeezed his hand back.

"Owens says she can stay here until further notice and that there haven't been any missing child reports. She's so little though. He's going to pull some strings to get her some paperwork and I'm taking her to the pediatrician a few towns over this afternoon. Do you..." Barclay took a breath. "Do you want to come with us?"

"I'd love to." 

  
-Bonus-

  
"Wow, that worked? Dani said I should have just made sure you got each other in the secret present swap but I knew accidental baby acquisition was the way to go," Aubrey told Joseph. "You're welcome."

"You stole someone's baby?" He asked in horror, a million thoughts going through his head about how he was going to tell Barclay and the look on Barclay's face when they were going to have to give back Maddie to her real parents and--

"No, I made a baby," Aubrey insisted. "I'm magic," she reminded him, as though he could have ever forgotten.

"Maybe stop wording it like that, sweetheart," Dani said fondly. 

**Author's Note:**

> don't look at me.


End file.
